So, where was I? Back a couple of posts or so ago…? Oh, that’s right! I crashed and burned. Yep.
First, a correction. This occurred at the end of Block III in the teacher ed program, not Block II. The next semester would have been the final Block then student teaching before hopefully passing the Praxis test and entering the classroom as a teacher.
Now here I was, three weeks left to spare in Block III, and I was crashing. I managed to complete the semester. I had to! I’d invested too much, and had watched the investment my family had also put into my education, to quit at that point. And I believed I just needed a little break before hitting the books again in the fall. I had a whole summer.
That’s not the way it went, though. A month later I was sleeping almost non stop. When I wasn’t sleeping I was crying. Or that’s the way it seemed to me at the time. Looking back I recall so very little. Just that things were very dark.
John had been attending some of my counseling sessions with me in an effort to better understand my illness. We made an emergency appointment with *Flo (can you see being in therapy with Flo as the therapist? J ) and had to make a decision. Was I able to cope? Was I in danger of harming myself? Was I able to care for myself and/or my family? Was a more intense effort needed to become stable?
I know John wanted only what was best for me, as did Flo. I’m also sure he must have been terrified at that point. We decided that the best course of action would be for me to be briefly hospitalized in order to be stabilized, a decision I’d make again today if necessary.
I was fortunate in that my then-doctor was affiliated with an amazing hospital in St. Louis. Fortunate because the psychiatric ward (now THAT’s a shocking term, isn’t it?) there was for those like me…not for those waiting to dry out between drunks or drug highs or those who were criminals. Just for those of us whose neurotransmitters were taking a hiatus. And I hafta say, except for the whole crying and sleeping thing, and being horribly depressed, it wasn’t half bad. Staff was amazing, I had no responsibilities except to get better, the food was great (Hey, that’s important!), and there were plenty of snacks on hand. We were well cared for. If called to give it a rating, I’d say five stars.
I have to add I was a little antisocial. Okay, make that a LOT antisocial. I didn’t want to attend group therapy, or activities, or anything else that involved other people. I wanted to be left alone with my book and be allowed to read or sleep. I was there because I was depressed, not to make friends over arts and crafts.
Then came the first night and the discovery that my roommate snored. Like a truck. I absolutely could not sleep through that. I made my way to the nurses’ station and begged to be allowed to sleep in another room. All the rooms were full, though. I then begged to be allowed to sleep on the sofa in the common room, or even in a chair! Against regulations. The despair I felt made my earlier despair look like joy, and apparently it showed, ‘cause I was informed that there was the “quiet room” and it was unoccupied!
What??!! A quiet room?? Why wasn’t I told about this room before? Quiet! That was exactly what I wanted! I almost-happily gathered up my blankets and pillow and tip-toed my way to the room. I wanted that room and didn’t want anyone else to claim it! My precious! It was adjacent to the nurses’ station with a window between them. I noticed the mattress was on the ground but, hey, I didn’t care. There was no one in the room but me! Quiet time, here I come!
As I snuggled down, I noticed something on the floor at each corner of the bed. They were kind of like bent over, u-shaped bolts but each side was bolted into the floor. The bed wasn’t bolted down. It was just a mattress. So what could it be? Then it dawned on me and I actually laughed out loud.
The room could more appropriately be called a “time out” room and was usually for those who needed to be quieted, not for those needing quiet. I’m still laughing about this, though my husband and doctor were not too thrilled with it (read: horrified) when they found out. The u-shaped bolt thingies were in case a patient needed to be restrained. Oh, my. I’m so un-violent. The irony is just too much. But, hey, I’m just grateful the room was empty while I was there because it meant I got to sleep at night.
I was placed on lithium, which is generally a drug of choice for depression, assuming the patient doesn’t develop a toxicity. I did, but not for several weeks. It works quickly and had me pretty much stable by the time my three day stint was over. Actually, I felt pretty darn good at that point.
Blood work conducted at the hospital indicated my iron level was dangerously low and that my thyroid had taken early retirement. Two more potential causes behind my exhaustion and contributing factors to the depression.
So, I did gain some answers. But better yet? I got to sleep in the quiet room!