“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No!! It isn’t!”
“Yes! It is.”
Every few weeks I’d have this “discussion” with my hubby who
insisted that my mood and energy swings were related to PMS. To be honest, I was finally starting to see
it that way, too, just before being diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. Of course, this was after about 15 years of
marriage, so there was plenty of time to have this “discussion”.
And face it, ladies, don’t you hate having any bad mood or
angry outburst attributed to being “that time of the month”? Talk about feeling invalidated! Like I we can’t be legitimately angry
or be in a bad mood. Since we’re women it’s
only because of all these wacky hormones flowing through us. So, naturally I wasn’t happy having any and
all bad moods attributed to PMS. And as
much as I adore my husband (and I did and really, really do…couldn’t get
through this without him and his support) I did occasionally actually get angry
about something and became even more angry when he felt it was “just my PMS
talking”. Besides, there were so many other weird symptoms that went along with
the bad moods/depressive states such as sleeping a lot, feeling achy like a bad
case of the flu, ear/sinus pain, and just generally feeling sick. Well, I know now these symptoms aren’t
uncommon with the downside of BPD, and even with unipolar depression.
But I did know there was something else going on. I just
didn’t know what it could be. Mental
illness never crossed my mind, though I knew I had extended periods of
depression. Still, BPD is portrayed as the
wild and crazy BPD I. Very little is
publicly known or publicized about BPD II, or other numbers on the spectrum
trail.
So, we “discussed” it periodically. The thing was, I knew my symptoms didn’t
follow a PMS course. My symptoms were
regular, but not on a monthly cycle. My
episodes were much briefer then, as is more typical of BPD. Short episodes of mania/hypomania and periods
of depression intermixed with periods of feeling “normal” (again, whatever that
is). I loved the hypomanic state…calling
it my “euphoric” period. I was
brilliant, exciting to be around, charming, creative, energetic. These periods always followed the down period
when I just couldn’t get enough sleep and felt like I was in a fog.
I remember for our family’s 10th anniversary
planning on going to dinner at a restaurant in a town about 45 minutes
away. At the time, I worked as an on-air
personality and news director at a small radio station in my hometown. After my morning shift that day, I went home
and slept until about 10 minutes before my afternoon shift. (We lived about 5 minutes away from the
station.) I went back in without doing
any additional news work, completed my afternoon shift and went back home to
sleep until the family came home. The
thought of driving 45 minutes to a restaurant was so tiring…just the thought was
tiring. But we did it. It turned out to be a not so wonderful
experience, but not because of my state of mind. Just a very expensive dinner for mediocre
quality Italian food. One of those
stories we can tell and understand in the family, though. However, it was my introduction to bruschetta,
and for that I am happy. It’s like Italian salsa. Yummmmm.
I have to wonder how many other women suffer from BPD and
are told it’s just hormones. Is it more
prevalent than we think? Would something a little stronger than Midol help more
women deal with those energy/mood swings?
Research grant time!
(Warning: This blog post actually makes sense and flows in a
decent order. This may not be the
experience on very many of my posts. J)
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